Apr 28 min read

Anger management

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Anger is a completely normal, mostly healthy emotion. But when anger gets out of control and starts to become destructive, it can cause problems at work, in personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. It can also make you feel like you are a slave to an unpredictable and very powerful emotion.

The Nature of Anger

Anger, psychologist Dr. who studies in this field. According to Charles Spielberg, it is “an emotion that can range from mild discomfort to severe anger and rage.” Like other emotions, it is followed by physiological and biological changes; When you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure increase, along with your energy hormones adrenaline and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both internal and external reasons. You may be angry at a specific person (your assistant or supervisor) or an event (a traffic jam or your flight being canceled), or your anger may stem from general personal problems. Memories or traumatic events can also activate your feelings of anger.

Expressing Anger

The instinctive and natural way to express anger is aggressive reactions. Anger is a natural adaptive response to threats; It evokes strong and often aggressive behavior and emotions that help us defend ourselves or fight back in the event of attack. In other words, some anger is necessary for our survival.

On the other hand, we cannot physically attack everything that disturbs or angers us; Social norms, laws and generally accepted truths determine how far our anger can take us. People use both conscious and unconscious processes to cope with their anger. Three main approaches; To express is to suppress or calm down. The healthiest way is to express your anger defensively rather than aggressively. To do this, you must know clearly what your needs are and decide how to meet them without hurting others. Being an advocate; It doesn't mean being demanding or pushy, but respecting yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, then transformed and redirected. This happens when you keep your anger inside, don't think about it, and focus on something positive. The goal is to calm or suppress your anger and turn it into more constructive behavior. The danger of this type of response is that when the anger doesn't come out, it can turn inward, at you. Anger turned inward can cause hypertension, high blood pressure or depression.

Unexpressed anger can also cause other problems. It also leads to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (attacking people indirectly without confronting them or explaining why) or a personality structure that is constantly sarcastic and rude. People who constantly hurt others, criticize everything, and put forward cynical ideas have not learned to express their anger constructively. Unsurprisingly, they do not form very successful relationships with others.

Finally, you can calm down within yourself. This includes controlling not only your outward behavior, but also your internal reactions by trying to slow your heart rate, calming yourself down, and soothing your emotions.

Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both the emotional and physiological arousal caused by anger. You may not be able to get rid of, escape from, or change the events and people that make you angry, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Are You Too Angry?

There are some psychological tests that measure the severity of your angry feelings, your tendency to anger, and how well you can cope with it. The best part about this issue is; If you have a problem with anger, it's because you already know it. If you find yourself behaving in an out-of-control and frightening way, you may start looking for some ways to cope with this feeling.

Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?

According to Psychologist Dr. Jerry Deffenbacher, who studies anger management, some people are actually more "like gunpowder" than others and get angry more and more easily than the average person. Some are chronically irritable and grumpy, even if they do not show their anger loudly. People who get angry easily don't always curse and throw things around; Sometimes they become withdrawn, sullen, or sick.

People who get angry very easily; In general, psychologists have a personality structure that they call "low tolerance for stress". In the simplest sense, they feel that they should not be subjected to discomfort, distress and stress. They are unable to evaluate events in the long term and become enraged by events that seem unfair to them, such as being scolded for a minor mistake.

What makes people like this? One reason for this condition may be genetic or physiological. There is evidence that children are born with moody, touchy and irritable traits, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another reason may be sociocultural. Anger is often perceived negatively; We are taught that it is okay to express anxiety, depression, and other emotions, but not okay to express anger. That's why we can't learn how to deal with anger or channel it in constructive ways. Research has shown that family life also plays a role. People who are easily angered typically come from families that are destructive, chaotic, and lack good emotional communication.

Is It Good To Empty Everything Inside You?

Today psychologists say that this is a dangerous fairy tale. Some use this theory as an excuse to hurt others. Research has shown that venting actually increases anger and does nothing to resolve the situation for you or the person you are angry with. It is best to find out what triggers your anger and develop strategies to prevent these triggers from taking over you.

Strategies to Keep Your Anger to a Minimum

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing or relaxing daydreaming, can help you calm your feelings of anger. You can benefit from some books and courses that teach relaxation techniques. Once you learn these techniques, you can apply them whenever you need. If you are in a relationship where both of you are angry, it will be useful to learn these techniques together.

Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply from your diaphragm. Breathing from your chest will not calm you down; feel your breath coming from your belly.
Say a calming word slowly, such as “relax” or “don't care.” Say this to yourself while breathing deeply.
Use your imagination and imagine a relaxing scene, imagined or real.
Slow, non-strenuous exercises such as yoga can relax your muscles and make you feel calmer.
Try these techniques every day. Learn to use them automatically in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Cognitive restructuring simply means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, and use highly emotional expressions to express their opinions. When you're angry, your thoughts can be exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. Instead of saying to yourself, “It's terrible, it's terrible, everything is ruined,” say, “It's overwhelming and it's understandable that I'm angry about it, but it's not the end of the world and being angry isn't going to solve anything.”

Be careful not to use words like “never” or “always” when talking about yourself or someone else. Phrases like “this machine never works” or “you always forget everything anyway” are not only vague but also make you feel like there is no solution to the problem, justifying your anger. It also condescendingly pushes away people who are willing to solve the problem with you.

Remind yourself that getting angry doesn't solve anything, doesn't make you feel better, and may even make you feel worse.

Logic can overcome anger because anger, even when justified, can quickly become irrational. Apply cold, hard logic to yourself. Remember that the whole world is not “against you”, you are just facing some challenges of daily life. Do this every time you feel angry; This will give you a more balanced perception. Angry people tend to be demanding. They expect everything to be done their way. Everyone wants these things, and we all feel disappointed and hurt when they are not met; But when angry people's demands are not met, their disappointment turns into anger. As part of cognitive structuring, angry people must become aware of their demanding personalities and transform their expectations into wishes. In other words, “I would like”; It is a healthier way of expression than “I want” or “I should have”. If you don't get what you want, you will react more normally, such as disappointment, frustration, and hurt, rather than anger. Some angry people use this emotion to avoid resentment, but the resentment does not actually go away.

Problem solution

Sometimes feelings of anger and frustration stem from a very real and unavoidable situation in our lives. Not all our anger is misdirected. Anger is a natural and healthy response in such situations. Make a plan and monitor your progress. Try to do your best, but don't punish yourself if you don't find a solution right away. If you approach the problem with the best of intentions and make attempts to confront it, you will be more resistant to falling into “all or nothing” thinking or losing patience, even if the problem is not solved.

Better Communication

Angry people like to draw conclusions and do so very easily; but some of these results may be far from certain. The first thing you should do in a heated argument is to slow down and consider your reactions. Rather than saying the first thing that comes to mind, calm down and think about what you want to say. At the same time, listen to what the other person is saying and give yourself time before answering. Listen to yourself about what lies beneath your anger.

For example, you may want freedom and time for yourself, while your partner wants more partnership and intimacy. If he complains about your activities, do not accuse him of being conservative, guarded, or jealous.

It's natural to be defensive when you're criticized, but don't respond to criticism with an attack. Think about what lies beneath the words; The other person may feel neglected and unloved. It may take some long, patient questioning on your part, or some breathing room, but don't let your anger, or his, get the discussion out of control. By keeping your cool, you can prevent the situation from turning into a disaster.

Changing Your Environment

Our immediate needs can sometimes cause us discomfort and anger. Problems and responsibilities may weigh on you and you may feel angry because of this. Give yourself time. Prepare personal time plans for the most stressful times of the day for you. As an example, imagine a working mother who has a fixed rule for the first 15 minutes of coming home from work, such as “nobody talks to mom unless there's a fire.” After this short period of time, the mother feels better and is ready to meet the demands of her children without exploding.

Some Other Tips to Relax Yourself

Timing : If you're more likely to argue with your partner at night when you discuss your problems (perhaps you're tired or irritated or just a habit), change the times you talk about important issues so that these conversations don't turn into fights. Avoidance : If your child's messy room drives you crazy every time you see it, close the door. Protect yourself from looking at things that make you angry. Finding Alternatives : For example, if there is a traffic jam that drives you crazy, find another route that is less crowded and congested; If you don't know, look at the map or learn. Or find another alternative.

Do You Need Consultation?

If your anger is really getting out of control or harming your relationship or other important aspects of your life; To deal with this better, you may consider consulting a professional. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can help you develop techniques to change the way you think and behave.

When you consult a therapist, tell him or her that you have anger issues that you want to change and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Know that this is not an action plan that will "make it easier for you to face your emotions and express them." Maybe this is your real problem. Psychologists say that a highly angry person reaches a normal level of anger within 8-10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the technique used.